by Marisa Crane
New to the YUM-DERDOME? Click here to read the intro and first installment.
Her Tinder bio said, “loves the beach, volleyball, and soup, in no particular order,” so I knew we were doomed from the start.
When I matched with her, I knew I had to fulfill my civic duty and tell her that soup is bullshit.
“Soup is just a drink with delusions of grandeur. Pouring it in a bowl doesn’t change its destiny,” I messaged her.
She agreed, but said she wasn’t mad about it. We never wound up going on a date. Something something about couples who eat soup together—oh, you know the rest.
I’ve since deleted Tinder.
After spending hundreds of years failing to properly satiate people, Soup should finally come clean about who he is. Soup is the boring brother of the Bloody Mary (who, coincidentally, is better at being Soup than Soup is). The one who doesn’t have an opinion and will have whatever you’re having. He doesn’t laugh during The Office, not even when Michael drives his car into a lake because he insists that the GPS woman wants him to turn right this moment.
No one can ever remember Soup’s name. Soup doesn’t let on that this bothers him.
Sometimes Soup tries to get fancy and welcomes some particles of food to the party, but don’t be fooled. These sad bites of carrot, celery, or the occasional morsel of chicken just serve as a distraction and are meant to change your mind about Soup’s liquid state. Soup just really loves bowls and doesn’t see how that’s any of your business.
Soup has come to me in a moment of vulnerability and confessed that he’s been feeling neglected lately. Soup wants more out of life than I’m willing to give him. I encourage Soup to embrace his true identity. To pour himself into a mason jar, stick a reusable metal straw in there, and bask in the rays of delectable truth.
Marisa Crane is a lesbian fiction writer and poet. Her work has appeared or is forthcoming in X-R-A-Y Magazine, Bending Genres, Drunk Monkeys, Riggwelter Press, Okay Donkey, and elsewhere. Her Twitter handle is @marisabcrane. She currently lives in San Diego with her fiancée.